Monday, March 17, 2008

I guess it just takes time

Well it has now been two weeks since our dear mother passed from this life to the next. Although we know she is at peace and no longer in the great pain that had gripped her for weeks, it is so hard to pass by the places we took her and places we knew she loved without being overcome with grief. It was hard to go to church Sunday because we have worshiped at the same church, she and I for over 40 years. She had not been able to come for a couple of years but just knowing she would not be coming ever again was hard. On the way to church, I pass by her favorite restaurant, a place called “Ronnie’s”. She always ordered Chicken Teriyaki and Sweet Rice and Custard. Ronnie and Sheila, the owners came to her services because they knew how much she loved going there.

There is a corner on the way home where I can either turn left and go to mother’s house or I can zigzag right and go to my house. I go through this intersection many times in a week and it seems a lump comes in my throat every time I pass through it. I’ve been told that time will heal all this and I know it’s true.

I used to pick her up and take her to the beauty shop on Thursdays. Then when she was finished, I would pick her up to take her home. We would always get some food and eat lunch together after I took her back home. It is hard for me on Thursdays when I think of what I have done for years and no longer have to do. I keep thinking, oh mother, I just wish I was picking you up again today. She was always so sweet at the beauty shop thanking everyone for everything as was her nature.

I wonder how long the ache lasts and when you stop tearing up so often? I wake up hoping we will not forget her impact on so many lives any time soon. I don’t know what lasting impact she had on others but I hope I will be kinder to all I come in contact with. I want to be friendlier and more interested in everyone I meet. I want to think the best and I vow to avoid being reactionary to unpleasant events. She valued and loved her family above all else next to her God and I want to be able to show my dear little family, I am trying to do the same. During her last days both in the hospital and at home she said over and over how proud she was of her family. She always wondered what people did who had no family. She thanked Linda Mae and I over and over for seeing to her care. Even when she hurt in the night, she would urge us to get some sleep.

As we have found old letters and information about our mother, we have discovered she had an unbelievably hard life….….much harder that we had thought. As we contemplate this, it becomes ever more real how extraordinary she was. To maintain the sweet spirit and cheerful attitude after having endured all she did is amazing. I always knew I was lucky to have her as my mom but have been convinced how blessed we who are children are to have been lucky enough to call her mother. Luck really has nothing to do with it. God decides those type things. It says in the Holy word that he sees us in our mother’s wombs where we are fearfully and wonderfully made. So I am grateful to God that he chose her to be my mom. All around us are those who are not fit to be called mother so this is not a blessing to taken lightly or for granted.

What am I hoping to accomplish by writing these words? I really don’t know other than I just don’t want to forget my remarkable roots. I don’t have anything I wish I had said to her that was left unsaid. She knew I loved her and valued her as did all her children and grandchildren. Maybe this expression will make me feel better but it will be a tribute to her and her life that hopefully will live on. All of wish we had spent a little more time with her, that we had called her more often, that we had listened to her stories more, that we had just dropped by more often, that we had told her we loved her more but I am trusting that she knew she was loved by all of us. And we are honored to have come from us. We do love you mama and we do miss you so much.